Everyone wants to be like us

i aint saying she's a gold digger

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 18:39:30 GMT

well figured i should update as i really haven't in a long long time, i miss you all lots, it's good that i've finally got some credit as can actually make contact, now just need to get reception by climbing up hills.
I'm reallly happy here, much more than I thought i'd be, made some pretty safe friends, although they're mainly boys so miss doing girly things, seems i spend most of my time watching the boys play pro (i tried once, scored an own goal and sulked). So thats all laughs and hi jinks. I have a boyfriend, which it sounds weird calling him as it's all a bit not real, but he makes me laugh cos he's weird like me and he's circumsised for a very funny reason... so he'll do for now! anyway am going home on sunday very briefly to see my dad, but if anyone's up for a coffee would be so great to see you! Oh also been hanging out a bit with dan peters from DC... says he knows u ludd? and am a little bit obsessed with will roper who seems to be the coolest person in the world ever, and has a dj voice, as people down here would say "I bum him".

ooh also got a friend called paul who i spend my whole life discussing bum sex with, so at least he's filled that gap in my life... not meant to be an intended genius of word play but hey!

miss you lots
xxx
clem

LJ

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:46:15 GMT

Read all my old LJs today, life has changed soooo much, maybe thats why i can never be bothered to update anymore... LJ was soooooooooo last year.
Anyhoo i had a wonderful birthday and Vicky's bash was splendid too, despite the fact i totally wasnt up for pullin weird Albanian men who all had the same chat up line, "I like you.... I want to get to know you better.... (try to kiss you)" Thank god we Polish are so much suaver! I love my dog.
Clem xx

Happy St Patrick's day!

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 14:26:11 GMT

So i haven't written in a while/decade and, considering it is a beautiful day and i have a lot of work to do that i really can't be arsed to deal with now, feel now is a perfectly good time. There just hasn't been much going on that i want to write about recently, but think my spirit is lifting with the weather, and the fact that my dog built a fort yesterday and he is now the object of all of my affection.
I am freakishly freaked out about Simon and that whole business because i seriously don't know how to deal with boys who like me who aren't ed, as proven by my dealings with Ben. I just don't want to be with anyone right now which seems strange and that im just lying to convince myself that being single is fun, but i really don't! I still love Ed and it would be silly for me to pretend i didnt, but i dont want to get back with him. I feel strangely rejuvenated, blates tomorrow i'll be crying and overdosing on horse tranquilisers! Anyway thank you all for putting up with all my Ed shit when i was with him, and my Ed shit now im not. For now i will just concentrate on friendship raping Dave and Tom, oh and forcing Peter to take me to the Leaver's Ball! Also Mike... don't go! Stay and protect me! I can't look after myself! I get drunk! Or forget to go to the toilet! Or get lost! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My Coy Master

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 12:32:04 GMT

His hair is like a flaxen lady's
His smile is funny cos he hasnt worn his retainer recently.
I am insensitive to all his powers and subtleties and nuance.
Oh cyst boy, when you depart it is like my heart is ripped from its socket,
My vegetable love is unrooted and boiled and eaten by a fat Polish boy.
Yield to me, let two become one, i want to make love to you baby
HARD!!!!!!!!
I should not have had to rape you as i did, for the sun is setting.
Soon the moon will be here with its jeering and leering.
And what will be left.... who can say? WHO CAN SAY?

By Anonymous

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 14:30:58 GMT

i really hate myself. Im a fucking obsessive loser with noone who actually gives that much of a shit about me. End.

Ooh Aah Just A Little Bit

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 18:17:55 GMT

I am so split in how i feel right now it is scary.

My Dad's really not well, and it really frightens me. He had a fit on Sunday and had to be rushed to hospital and the doctor's think he's now got epilepsy which is just going to make it all lots lots harder. And they're keeping him in hospital till Wednesday. I can usually cope with it because i can blank it out but this just reminds me of it all, all over again.. He's becoming so much harder to talk to and understand and so much more violent, and there's also other stuff that happens now but i dont want to go into that. Its like he;s not my father anymore and i know some people never have fathers but i DID and now i DONT and im reminded of that everytime i look at him. And its horrid HORRID HORRID. i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me or feel that im piling stuff on them cos i dont want to. i just need to express what its like right now and i think that maybe you should know, not cos i want to talk about it with anyone or anything,but because when things get worse your all gonna notice cos its getting more and more difficult. Especially considering im such a Daddy's Girl

But also im very happy because Ed is back and i know that seems selfish when my Dad's ill and all but he really makes me feel so much better about it and i can talk to him about stuff cos i find it really hard to talk about it and its nice that i can with him. And he says things that i know are true and help and he holds me and thinks im beautiful even when im crying. Its so nice knowing someone cares about me. And he said my Dad would be proud of me and i know that he would. And its nice knowing where he is and that he's really not so far away!

Ok that all folks
Clem

everybody was kung fu fighting

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 18:59:40 GMT

God im so into christmas already! its ridiculous! I jus want it to be the christmas holidays now, and to snow, and to eat lots, and to pull crackers, and smell the tree, and sit by the fire! The presence of a certain boyshape is obviously going to make it lots better! i love it! As long as i don't have to go to court which will totally ruin it, that is!

So i had a counselling session the other day which was a pile of shite! God even i could do that rubbish better than that silly indian woman! TSK!

Off to paris tomorro, should be some well good craic! Life is really really cool rite now. The end.

Clem xx

us against the world

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 12:44:08 GMT

So yesterday was interesting, i did have an enjoyable night especially watching eliza flirt with peter! a drunken thing? or real love? je ne sais pas! god sarah made me laugh! also was weird when talking to all the dulwich college teachers. and was lovely of mike to walk me home.
im sorry to you all about me crying at school yesterday and i know its hard for you cos you just see me when im upset and its not nice but the fact is, he is everything to me and even though sometimes he hurts me, we have been going out for nine months and its going to happen. I hurt him sometimes too. Cos all of the good things make up for the bad and there are lots of things going on at the moment in both of our lives which makes him act how he does and me react how i do. I didn;t mean to upset anyone. The thing is, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he makes everything with my dad so much better and he cares about me. I wish he didn't act the way he does sometimes, but noone's perfect. He is still the one i love and the one who i would do anything for.And i think things will be ok now, at least i really hope they will...
Lets see how this week goes...
Im sorry if i upset anyone and i know people compare other relationship to ours, and i know its cos they care but they don't know. All i know is that im not letting go of how when im upset about my dad and ed holds me and kisses me and lets me cry in his arms and tells me things that make it all better. and im not letting that go.
Clem xx

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 18:26:59 GMT

i really, really, love him. He looks after me. I actually never knew i could care about someone this much. It scares me.

the problem with me

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 12:54:23 GMT

the problem with me is that i use to have such low expectations that i could never be disappointed. Now i've let myself get so carried away with it all that ive created such high expectations of everyone and everything, that im always let down. When did i let myself become so safe and boring, the one you know is always going to be there. Why is it that when i hold myself back and try and wait for you, i always end up failing miserably and realising that its just not going to happen. Its not my fault, you can't offer someone so much happiness that they can't help but get attatched. and getting attatched leads to these high expectations and these high expectations lead to crying and overreaction and worrying when im even the slightest bit let down and feeling lonely when im not.i need to get over it. im going to get over it. i hate being so reliant, its disgusting.
Excuse this overdramaticness, im ill and i think everyone's allowed to be ever so slightly overdramatic when there ill.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 18:02:33 GMT

i love him and his little fiddle. Noush i love you and will always be your boyfriend even though we broke up horribly because i did aural with that elf thing.

Can't stop me now, im having such a good time

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 17:36:28 GMT

He's gone!!! Coping surprisingly well, no crying since we said goodbye though. It feels weird, i feel fine when i don't really think about it, like its just going to be another Cled adventure, but hen i do really think about it i feel sad. It doesn't help that everything reminds me of him, even my bed. but there's nothing i can do about it. Just hope he never forgets that i care for him very much and that he cares for me very much. He makes me happy and i dont want to lose this and im scared i will. I know he wont cheat i just dont want him to realise that he can do far better than me and find someone else.

i love rolf harris

Strathdee peed in the river.

Help im lonely, why isn't Ed here! Boo hiss this sucks!

Labour party conference tomorro, im going to heckle something shocking.

see you later alligator
Clem xx

ham on toast

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 17:46:54 GMT

so... back to this live journal thang. bout to go to ludds concert which im wetting myself with anticipation about! party was fun on friday night, got very drunk and mike was very useful helping me open all the doors which were bloody impossible to open! BLOODY IMPOSSIBLE!!!! note the bloody. Ed leaves next week. Poo.

I watched Igby Goes Down on my own while edward slept which was a good one. Oh and my mum thought it was about oral sex which i find mildly amusing.

I have also realised since Friday that a lot of boys suck, even though we want them to be so perfect all the time. Luckily i got one of the perfect-ish ones. big willy!gftvb

gotta go, this is boring but thought all my fans ( e.g you) would miss me

kisses
Clem xx

life is a rollercoaster just gotta ride it! (ronan rules)

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 20:01:18 GMT

How come its so easy to get hurt nowadays? As soon as you go into year 13 do you just have more tears inside you? I even cried with laughter today in Scottish dancing! Which by the way is far better than any other lib studies could ever be.

I like Lucas. I like Mike. pooI hate how whenever i get a text i hope its ed when i know it can't possibly be because his phone's been blocked. Therefore im always let down!

Ed and me are Better. I dunno what im suppose to feel anymore or how he feels but im not sure if that even matters. He doesnt love me which is fair enough, i can't do anything about it, but i can distance myself from him to stop me getting hurt and i know i should, especially with him going to Uni and all, but i can't help that he's all i think about and the best thing that ever happened to me.

SO anyone out there with useful advise about dealing with boys who you care about a lot more than they care about you! I NEED HELP!
stat!
xx

Do we really like it? Is it, is it wicked?

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 17:05:28 GMT

So yea Ed stayed over on Friday night and then just didnt leave till Sunday morning which was nice. He's being good now. We talked a lot which was nice. had dinner with the family on friday night at this Thai restaurant which was really good and last night just us two went to the pub for dinner. Im happy, its like when im with him that nothing else matters and I just feel so safe. We went to the park after dinner and sat in the dark and talked and he was mine. He says he does love me most of the time and i think he probably does cos i am very loveable!!! like a kitten. He is the only person who can make me feel like im the most special girl in the world and the only one ( part from mother) who can make me feel im the biggest piece of crap in the world.
But living with him this weekend was nice and like we were just standing still for a bit. Oh and he still likes me even when im stinky and dirty and burp. Also saw Princess Diaries 2. I wish i was a princess. Raven was in it which was... interesting.
Fingers crossed im not in Lib Studies class with Tommy Roy
Can u feel it?
Clem xx

Its been a while

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 13:31:22 GMT

I havent written an entry in ages so im gonna do a very mini one now. I had a nice summer. I have very very good friends and am very very lucky. I hope i stay friends with them all and they all godmother my children. It was so nice in Cornwall getting closer to people, eg. Claire and Philly cos i already knew vicky and ludd and that holly smells. And it was nice going on holiday with Eliza cos it was proper jokes! So yea............. i love you guys!

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 20:22:36 GMT

01. I have a cell phone.

02. I'm obsessed with high heels.

03. I'm the youngest child.

04. I am a shopaholic.

05. I love hoop earrings. - love is a bit strong, i quite like them when my hair's curly.

06. I am a libra.

07. I love beer.

09. I can't live without lip gloss.

10. I can't live without music.

11. I lived in Purgatory for 3 months.

12. I spend money I don't have.

13. I'll be in college forever.

14. I've seen Jason Mraz.

15. I get annoyed easily.

16. I eventually want kids.

18. I have more then a couple of horrible memories.

19. I am addicted to Lizzie McGuire.

20. I am a person.

21. My first kiss was when I was 18.

22. I start film school in February.

23. I love taking pictures.

24. I hate girls who are fake.

25. I can be mean when I want to.

26. My dreams are bizarre.

27. One of my close friends is gay.

28. I have way too many purses.

29. I've seen 'Fight Club' at least 45 times.

30. I usually dress how I feel that day.

31. I love 'Sex and the City'.

32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.

33. I hate when people are late. ( apart from me)

34. I procrastinate.

35. I love winter.

36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.

37. I love to sleep.

38. I wish I were smarter.

39. I'm afraid of flying.

40. I hate drama.

41. I am addicted to 'The O.C.'

42. I love my hair.

43. I never fight with my parents.

44. I love the beach.

45. I have never had the chicken pox.

46. I'm excited for the future.

47. I can't control my emotions.

48. I can't wait till New Year's.

49. I love the show 'Rich Girls'.

50. I love my friends.

51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.

52. I can be very insecure sometimes.

53. I have never broken a bone.

54. I hate racist people.

55. I hate my computer.

56. I love guys that play the guitar.

57. I state the obvious.

58. I'm a happy person.

59. I love to dance.

60. I love to read.

61. I hate cleaning my room.

62. I TEND TO GET JEALOUS EASILY

63. I love cute underwear.

64. I love John Mayer.

65. I cry when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.

66. I want to go to Greece.

67. I don't like to study for tests.

68. I am too forgiving.

69. I have a horrible sense of direction.

70. I love(d) high school.

71. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.

72. I'm a daddy's girl.

73. I love kisses on the forehead

74. I'm Hungarian

75. I love the color pink.

76. I love to sew.

77. I have green eyes.

78. I love the Olsen Twins.

79. I played soccer for 14 years.

80. I become stressed easily.

81. I hate liars.

82. I like comfy sweatpants.

83. Paul Walker is my dream guy.

84. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained.

85. I love my family.

86. I hate needles.

87. I am a perfectionist.

88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.

90. I am still a virgin

91. I would love to have my own fashion line.

92. I can be quite selfish.

93. I still act like a little kid.

94. I despise dishonesty.

95. I love pictures.

96. I love music.

97. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school.

98. I love getting stuff in the mail.

99. I have problems letting go of people.

100. I hate the feeling of being alone.

101. I don't want to be married.

102. I hate the fact that my size 10 jeans are tight.

103. I've never watched "Sex and the City" and I don't really care if I do.

104. I really don't want to add three things to this list.

105. So I won't.

106. I love Harry Potter.

107. I am patient, when I want to be.

108. i like bunnies.

109. I often think before I speak and then regret it.

110. I love summer. [the season]

111. I miss my friends who I haven't seen for a while.

112. I have lived in New Mexico

113. I love water

114. There are criminals in my family

115. The internet is my other home.

116. I think typing is fun.

117. I want to be famous one day.

118. Barbie is soooo cool! Isn't she?

119. Isn't dark curly hair just adorable?

120. I'm left handed.

121. I love my best friend

122. I straighten my hair everyday

123. ive never been out of the country

124. i love reading books on the hammock

125. i live for HOOOOT bubble baths

126. i hate how summer is the shortest season

127. i love dyeing my hair

128. i love the city life

129. i have a best friend who i can 100% trust

130. I have a headache right now.

131. I'm going to a party tonight.

132. I love Jesus. Because he saves. Duh.

133. I love politics / history

134. I live in a small town.

135. I have a dog, and it's very fat!

136. I live/have lived in the south.

137. I have a cold/allergy attack.

138. I tend to get emotionally attached to my teachers. (mcclafferty!)

139. I am at Summer Camp

140. I like things with fruit on them.

141. I ate chocolate brownie today.

142. I fall in love with everyone a little bit, and far too often.

143. I forget that my cats aren't actually my children.

144. Something else

145. I am a vegetarian.

146. I worry about what people think of me.

147. I can get deeply lovesick.

148. I let myself get hurt too easily

149. I trust people too much

150. I fall in love with arseholes

151. I get withdrawal symptoms if I don't have at least 4 apples a day

152. I want a kitten and a pug

153. I like my room

154: I like it when im in bed and its raining outside

155. I find arrogance very attractive

156. Fluffy haired boys are the best

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 19:41:40 GMT

So Shrek did indeed rock and thus my weekend ended on a high note, after being not so great.
The fact is I am really quite worried about my being randomly sick/bleeding. I threw up in a little road of oxford street and i'd been feeling fine before then! luckily Noush was very sweet with me and made the whole situation a whole lot less dirty! Threw up two times when i got home though and went to bed feeling crap, woke up the next day fine as ever! so bizarre!

Its all a bit crap at the moment isnt it, for everyone, everything just sucks, I wish it was the Summer now! I wish it was Cornwall! FOAM PARTY!

Read " The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time" in two days, it was very good but made me realise how insignificant i am in the general scheme of things. How if something bad would happen to me, life would go on. Everyone always says, " the world doesnt revolve around you", but surely it does, my world does revolve around me because how could it not?

I LOVE ED! im so horrid too him sometimes and for just no reason and i wish i wasnt, but im not a perfect person, im learning, i really am. Going to Bristol on Thursday made me sad because all I think of it as now is the place thats taking my boyfriend, the person who takes up most of my thoughts, away from me. And i try so hard not to think about it and perhaps i'll have gone off him by then. Its not like i want to be with him forever but i dont ever wanna break up with him. And it smells that i wont see him for 5 weeks this summer! When im with him i dont appreciate it enough and then when i realise this its too late and i have to regret it until i see him again, and i dont appreciate him.

Strathdee is in my wallet, he looks like a little pumpkin! MY LITTLE PUMPKIN!

Decided to wear my yellow dress to the Leavers Ball! Yes i'll look gay and i wore it to the Prom but I like how it makes me feel, even though i look like a man in it! INNIT!

I wish i could go skiing in Poland
Hugs and Kisses
Clem xx

Forever and for always

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 19:49:20 GMT

So me and the missus are back from Edinburgh! And i wanna go there sooooooo much! and there were many people in kilts! and they were scottish! I could even deal with the poo weather! The hotel we stayed in for the first night was very very spooky but had HIDDEN ROOMS! which is why it kicks ass!
We also watched a shockingly sad film called Beaches which made me weep and weep but as noush is heartless she did not shed a single tear.
I may have bored her to death about Edward but that's OK cos i listened to all the Ollie malarky, AND GOT TO HEAR HER SEX NOISE!
Other news, found my old diary..... was really really weird, reading about jason and stuff, and was also just so sickiningly shallow! even more shallow than my LJ!
I was gonna start addressing people by their initials such as a.r but then couldn't be arsed. So... Edward! Ok fine! you win, i love him, i do, but will try harder to dismiss it as a silly phase im going through. He stayed over last night and i (naughty naughty) slept in the bed with him! and it was perfect cos it just felt so nice knowing he was there.. and he didn't snore this time!
Shrek 2's out soon! Can i get a boo yea?! ROCK!
I love my friends because not only are they lovely with me and soo kind and sweet with my Daddy and all, but they are shockingly cool people, like just good guys really.
When i have babies i shall call my boys Oscar, Milo and Gus
"Pasta La Vista" ( to quote my two idols, Arnie and Mr McClafferty)
Clem xx

It Stings When Its Nobody's Fault

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 20:08:54 GMT

La la la all my exams are over! failed history of art though, how was i suppose to know Picasso wasn't French?
So this is gonna be a really shallow entry, just cos its easier to not think about all the bad things that have happened recently. I just wish i'd spoken to her, like once, i mean im sure she wouldn't have wanted to talk to me, but it would be nice to have a memory. Then again with James, i wish i had memories that wern't full of me hurting his feelings. I don't mean to hurt people, i think i may be a horrid person. I hurt Ed and i didn't mean too cos he's everything, more about that later...
Strathdee update, aint seen him or Fab in a while but i do put on extra make up for my journey passed his house!
I wish i was a bollywood star.
Ok now Edward, so yea on sunday i had this horrid feeling that i didn't really like him that much and it was all pointless cos it was gonna end soon anyway so we might aswell just break up. But then i spoke to him and slept under my bed and realised that course i liked him, we all knew it didn't we! thought i'll nerver admit u were right vicky! i like him muchos and i was just scared of how much and about the fact that i wouldn't get to see him soon. So it sucks really but in the nicest way ever, because he's beautiful and wonderous and he's just made me better than i use to be, just so much happier. Ok enough gushing, i make myself sick.
So me and Noush are off to Scotland on Thursday! Boo yea! I will be thoroughly disappointed if every person there isn't wearing a kilt with nothing underneath! and im sure we will find out!

Lots of love
Clem

I wish that i could take it all away

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 20:34:40 GMT

"events dear boy events" chortle chortle

So yea screw my " hard to get" ed plan, its just not going to work, he has control, i am under the thumb so to speak, im his. Im scared of so much right now. Im so scared of this growing up business, it's not right. Im scared im taking everything i have for granted, i know i am, but i only realise it now and again. Like i was thinking today, about Saima, i never ever think of her, which is so awful cos its so sad and unfair. Im scared of my feelings for a certain someone, im scared of the hurt that i know is gonna come, which is making me reluctant to it all, accepting it all. I dunno, if you could be really very happy, but knew that at the end you would be really very hurt, is it worth that happiness?

All of this was rather jammed in my head throughout the exam today, my main thoughts consisted of, " God this is boring.... shut up clem at least your not dead." Then i had a driving lesson which was also not too good, DIDN'T HELP THAT MY TOE IS BROKEN and the stupid clutch was being all mean! and these men in a pub laughed at me and then applauded when i got over my fear of the speed bump!

I really love the Hoobastank song, it kind of sums it all up for me right now. Don't you love it when you find a song like that.

History tomorrow, i hate knowing im going to fail, and i will fail. stupid school, shouldn't have made us learn about boring ugly men!

Over and out
Clem

It not always rainbows and butterflies

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:27:58 GMT

So English exam tomorrow, im so not bothered. If i pass i pass, if i fail i can retake next year. Its my own fault for not revising anyway, i had the opportunity so if i didn't use it " wisely" there's no one to blame but myself.
And the Pope
Man these two weeks have flown by, infact this year has flown by. It feels like only yesterday we........... founded jigzone, had claire/michael taylorgate, were regulars at SW4 and learnt of al's new years antics! good times! good times!
Or as my Polish great aunt would say,"times too celebrate at having the memories of." stupid polish woman!
Ok now i have to talk about Ed and/or Strathdee cos otherwise my diary would not be the same.
Strathdee: went passed his house ( u fool strathdee!) and saw lots of little girls going into his house in ballet costumes.. slightly concerned, may invest in one as it may turn him on?!
Edward: SO before i was all like, he obviously likes me just as much as i like him, he just isnt very good at showing it. But now im like... Ok he doesnt actually like me as much, but im fine, as i would say if i was Evita, " dont cry for me argentina." its better that i learnt now, before i got too far, cos otherwise it would hurt me. So now i shall be less attached, at least outwardly anyway. Aw hes cute though, even though he's rather ginger at the moment. Like a little ginger pixie.... who im NOT attached to!

Good luck for tomorrow everyone, or as i would say if i was a geek, which i fear i may be " GO TEAM GO ( guffaw guffaw)"

S.W.A.L.K
clem

Oh How I'll Miss These Lazy Afternoons

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 14:34:16 GMT

So i really haven't been doing enough work... like at all. Its just, there are so many distractions, well one big fat fluffy haired distraction that goes by the name of Edward. Ah him, so the party yesterday was kinda lame, and i got very attacked on the bouncy castle by piers! luckily i had Vicky to save me.. and infact (Noush don't kill me Lucas' Claire). She was very sweet and Lucas (noone tell him i said this cos he'll moan) was really quite horrid to her.

Im sad about Big Brother this year... everyone on it makes me feel awkward and creeped out. I do adore Ahmed though, he cracks me up cos he's so old and lame and has a funny voice and gets naked in the jacuzzi, he is definitely my fave.

Ok back to Edward, ive seen him everyday this half term so far which is gross but oh so sublime. and we are just so darn tootin cute! we played Badminton in his garden which was so lame but so cled! And we spent ages doing the jigsaw of ourselves ( thanks for that holly) and being coupley and icky. And we have discovered that we spend all our time just lying in each other's arms, doing nothing, not even speaking, but i love it all so much. Yes he's a twat a lot of the time but its just his nature, and he's MY twat, plus im a twat anyway! And sex... god even sex with him is cute! although i fear that our relationship is becoming largely sex-orientated, because we do "get jiggy" a hell of a lot now, i don't really care cos it feels good and i like his back.

I miss everyone lots but i'll see a lot of the crew on monday anyways

Exit pursued by a bear
Clem xx

Take a Bow

Wed, 26 May 2004 19:42:54 GMT

He played his violin and was....... just perfect and mine and then that Grace stuff had to make me feel poo. She..
1. Stood up at the end clapping when no one else did
2. Was crying cos of Ed's music
3. Asked the little boy who gave him the present at the end whether she could do it instead leavin Will Southgate to refer to HER as HIS " Girlfriend"
4. Got up and walked out with him when he'd finished performing
5. Told him she fell in love with him when he played

And i did none of that and apparently when he saw me n looked over i was, " looking in the wrong direction."
And i felt.. unworthy, like " WHY IS THIS BOY WITH ME" and i was soo going to cry but then i realised, " THIS BOY IS WITH ME" and he likes me and looked so pleased i was there and so what if she's better for him than me, he picked me, he wants me.And as Ludd says, " your the one having sex with him" and as his best friends mum says, " your far prettier than her" and as Ed's daddy says, " that Clems a very attractive young girl, a live wire i think."
So new years resolution ( well 26th May resolution) not to be all jealous and paranoid and doubting and thinking about what i dont have and instead thinking about how lucky i am and what i do have. And the fact he smiles at me in a way he doesnt anyone else. Its my smile.
Till we meet again
Clem xx

Life's simple pleasures

Mon, 24 May 2004 11:07:55 GMT

Well we are now on study leave! HURRAH HURRAH! we all fall down!
Life is.. strangely soothing in a way that scares me a lot. Yesterday i copied Ludd and put all my old pictures of my friends in JAGS into a scrapbook. It was nice, reminded me of all the adventures we've had and the sheer length of time ive known some of them for. It also reminded me what dogs we all were (woof woof).
Feds was great. Got to meet Tom Mercy and see how his mischievous smile complimented the greenness of Holly's skin. Although they will never be as cute as Cled, i give them my props and with a touch of tutoring they could be our second in commands. And Ed came to Feds!! Which made me feel all giggly because he came for me and Id thought he was so crap but i was just looking for excuses to make it easier to deny the fact that ive really, REALLY, fallen for him.
And we talked about sex and how its changed everything, but not in a bad way. In a way that makes me want to hold his hand when he crosses the road and wrap him in bubble wrap and protect him from the world. And he told me he has happy he was with me because i was nice to everyone which isn't true but made me feel special none the less. And the only way i could sum up to him how i felt was, " i like it when im with you and don't like it when im not." which is so simple and obvious. And its his concerto tomorrow and he will be in tails and will bow and will make me fall in love with him the second i see him and i know it and i dont want to so will keep my eyes shut throughout.
And he has fluffy hair.
Its just so horrible knowing that we have to break up relatively soon.. unbearable.
Oh strathdee told me his address which is silly of him because it feeds my ability to stalk to. And he says he sees me walking to school a lot wich is bad because i am normally talking about him or his even more delightful sister. But that night, i preferred being with ed than stalking Strathdee, which i think is the biggest sign yet of my attachment to the boy with pointy ears
C u next tuesday
Clem xx